Childless Resources

CHILDLESS RESOURCES

I am currently working on a book about childless women, with particular emphasis on those who do not have children because their partners were unwilling or unable to father children. As the book progresses, I collect more and more sources of information, which I am happy to share with you.

I will begin with a bibliography of books I have found. Within the near future, I will add web links and a list of organizations. If you need someone to talk to right now, try clicking onto Yahoo groups and searching for "childless." Among the several dozen groups listed there is sure to be one that will fit your needs.

Please contact me at suelick@casco.net if you fit the "childless by marriage" profile and are willing to be interviewed or if you have something to add to this list. Thank you.

As of 2002, one-fifth of American women and about the same number in the United Kingdom reached menopause without giving birth, so we are not alone.

Childlessness Bibliography

Books on childlessness have changed considerably in the 20 years I have been reading about the subject. In the 1980s and early 1990s, most works addressed childlessness as a tragedy, an emptiness that needed to be filled by adoption or some other type of mothering substitute--raising dogs, teaching, social work, and other nurturing activities. Then came a rash of books proclaiming the right to be "childfree."

Today, women are writing about what a burden children are and advising their peers that if they throw away their contraceptives, they will probably also be sacrificing careers, leisure time and sleep. Our parents lied to us, they say. You can't do it all. And, you do not have to be a mother. What worries me these days is a growing divide between mothers and childless women. But dip into these books, arranged from newest to oldest, and make up your own mind.

We Can't Stay Together for the Dog by Jennifer Keene, TFH Publications, 2008. I interviewed Keene a year or two ago for my book on childless women, looking for answers about whether people treat their pets as children. I didn't get much for my book out of the interview or out of this book—except for the fact that she refers to pet owners as Mom and Dad throughout—but there is a lot of useful information for dog owners here, even if you're not getting a divorce. Plus the photos and design are gorgeous.

Nobody's Mother: Life Without Kids, Lynne Van Luven, editor, Touchwood Editions, 2006. This Canadian anthology by various childless women is fabulous. Excellent writing, honesty and freshness set this book apart from the many other tomes on childlessness and make it not just a one-subject collection but an outstanding work of creative nonfiction. The writers have come to be childless through infertility, marrying men who didn't want children, by waiting too long, or by straightforward choice. All of them have given great thought to their situation. What I like most is that there is no disapproval of others' choices, no dismissing mothers as "breeders" or childless women as "selfish." In fact, many of the women love children and have found that their childless state allows them to spread their mothering wherever it is needed.

After the Rice by Wendy French, Tom Doherty Associates, LLC: 2006. When the book starts with, "I was late, and not for the bus," I'm interested right away. It raises a question that does not get answered for 150 pages and then there's another question which is answered on the final page. I didn't like the answer, but I liked the book. Wendy has a light, easy style that makes her novels so fun to read. She has nailed her characters perfectly. They're a little crazy, and they act and talk just like people everybody knows. The plot is real, it's current, and it's not in the least clichéd. Highly recommended.

What, No Baby? Why Women are losing the freedom to mother and how they can get it back by Leslie Cannold, Curtain University Books, 2005. Australian author Cannold looks at the issue of "circumstantial childlessness" in Australia and the United States, focusing on societal causes, the family-work conflict, and the difficulty in finding men who are willing to father. This is a good book. Although perhaps the author repeats herself a bit too much, she has thoroughly researched her topic and writes in an easy-reading style, despite the many footnotes. Her main thesis is that the way our societies currently operate makes it difficult for both men and women to consider parenting during the years when a woman is most fertile. Women who are childless by circumstance are NOT childless by choice, she emphasizes. Changes need to be made in order for motherhood to be as available and respected a choice as choosing not to mother. This book takes a while to read, but it's worth it. It opens up a whole new perspective and makes the reader think hard about why we want to be mothers, or why we don't.

The Mommy Brain: How Motherhood Makes Us Smarter by Katherine Ellison, Basic Books, 2005. Although many people think motherhood turns the brain to mush, science is proving it's just the opposite. The rush of hormones, combined with the demands of caring for the young actually have been shown to cause permanent positive changes in the brain. Moms are smarter, better at multi-tasking, and more empathetic. Parenting sharpens their senses and their memories. Drawing on countless studies and an impressive array of sources, Ellison has written a fascinating book explaining how mothers' brains change with pregnancy, childbirth and lactation. It gets a little scientific for the average reader at times, and Ellison strays off the topic in the final chapters to discuss problems mothers face in society, such as lack of childcare and inflexible work schedules, but overall, she has done a great job. The notes and bibliography are extremely helpful for anyone wanting to follow up on the subject.

I Want a Baby, He Doesn't by Donna Wade, with Liberty Kovacas, Ph.D., M.F.T. Adams Media, 2005. Well, judging by the title, I felt my own book had been completely "scooped," but no, this book is different. It is essentially a how-to for couples trying to reach agreement on the issue of having children. In fact her message could be summed up in three words: Talk about it." She gives guidance for how to discuss this touchy topic and urges couples to seek counseling if they have trouble talking it through on their own. Husband and wife will not be happy until they both buy into their decision, she believes. She offers good information on counseling, vasectomies and tubal ligations, infertility treatments, and adoption, plus excellent resource lists and a questionnaire to help couples determine whether they are ready to be parents. Wade first self-published a book by the same title, then got a contract with Adams Media and worked with Kovacs to put more substance into it. They quote the experiences of many couples as examples of what works and what doesn't. Overall, despite being seriously slanted toward convincing the man to be a father, it's a well-written and helpful book.

I Will Bear This Scar, edited by Marietta W. Bratton, iUniverse, 2005. This is a wonderful collection of poetry by childless women. I started circling the page numbers of the ones I liked and I ended up circling almost all of them. Here we have women who have had miscarriages, who could not conceive, who chose to be childless, who had abortions, or who otherwise missed their chance. Here's the ending of one I circled with an exclamation point, "Angela" by Robens Napolitan: "I never held her, or heard her call me 'Mommy,'/ but I was a mother once, until the blood/ran down my legs and she was gone." I liked the sassiness of "But What Will You Do?" by Peggy Lin Duthie, which talks about how she'll live happily when she's old and alone "strolling plump and naked" through her apartment full of "ancient books and beautiful, breakable vases." Some of the poems are painful to read, but even those offer comfort to those of us missing the children we never had.

Do I Want to Be a Mom? A Woman's Guide to the Decision of a Lifetime by Diana L. Dell, MD and Suzan Erem, McGraw-Hill, 2003. Using her expertise as an obstetrician-gynecologist and psychiatrist, Dell covers the various aspects of the parenting decision, offering anecdotes from women who talk about their experiences with motherhood and childlessness. This sounds good, but the reviews clobber the book for lack of substance and detail. They say that Do I Want to Be a Mom? brings up important issues but doesn't cover them in any depth. Other readers claim it is helpful.

Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children by Sylvia Ann Hewlett, Miramax Books, 2002. This book has one main point and it's a good one: In the 21st century, women can choose to pursue any career they want, but they will find it hard to be mothers at the same time. Some women are forced to abandon their careers in order to raise their families while others who wanted children sacrifice motherhood for their careers. Many in the middle fight a never-ending battle to juggle work and family. Hewlett has surveyed a large number of women and thoroughly researched her subject. She also tells us the facts about fertility, stressing the reality that very few women over 40 will conceive and bear healthy babies, in spite of all the new reproductive technology. Those who postpone motherhood are likely to be disappointed. Women who want babies need to find a mate in their 20s and get pregnant before they turn 35, or it's not going to happen.

Baby Hunger by Sylvia Ann Hewlett, Atlantic Books, 2002. Very similar to Creating a Life, this "International edition" stresses three main points: 1) women who pursue high-level careers find it nearly impossible to have families, too. Of those who graduated from college in the early 1970s (that's my group), she says only 13-17 percent have children. 2) If you want children, you'd better make that goal as important as your career goals and plan on marrying and reproducing before age 35 because fertility greatly decreases after that--and all the new reproductive technology works for only a small percentage of women. Most just spend a lot of money and heartache, but never have a baby. 3) Employers need to wake up and make it possible, not just in writing but in reality, for parents to work schedules that make sense with families. Well written, lots of good information, nice comparisons of the U.S. with the UK and other countries.

Cheerfully Childless: The Humor Book for Those Who Hesitate to Procreate by Ellen Metter and Loretta Gomez, Browser Press, 2001. This is a fun little book full of cartoons and jokes about childlessness, based on the premise that some of us are just not cut out to be moms and dads, so we might as well admit it and laugh about it. For example, "When offered the coveted opportunity to hold a newborn, I casually smile, nod, and back away . . . until I'm in the next building." Or "You think grabbing a condom kills the romantic moment? How about a two-year-old bursting into your bedroom unannounced? Now if that doesn't wilt your flower I just don't know what will." Or "Not everyone is, well, destined to be a parent. As my 40-ish friend Tobey says, 'I think a pregnancy at my time of life would be life-threatening--to the father.' " There are lots of fun cartoons by Loretta Gomez. Some compare the virtues of dogs, cats, cars, and stuffed animals to babies. There's really no serious information here, but it's fun and it's quick. Finally, something light on this heavy subject.

The Childless Revolution by Madelyn Cain, Perseus Publishing, 2001 Cain has written a well-organized, thoroughly researched study of childlessness in the 21st century. It truly is a revolution as we move toward a society in which a large percentage of women never have children. The book is divided into three main sections for different types of childlessness: 1) by choice--don't want kids, religious choice, such as becoming a nun, environmental concerns; 2) by chance--illness, infertility, being gay; and 3) by chance, the rest of us who somehow planned to have kids but married guys who didn't want them or somehow got involved in other things and let the opportunity pass us by. I like the clean, clear way this book is organized and written, and I appreciate the thorough notes and bibliography.

The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World is Still the Least Valued by Ann Crittenden, Owl Books, 2001. Moms don't get no respect. Or money. That's the gist of this book. Crittenden says she was inspired to write The Price of Motherhood when she became a mother and discovered that employers don't take kindly to women who want to work fewer hours or just reasonable hours to be with their kids. She also found that caregivers, usually women, work just as hard as their husbands, but government and society don't consider it work, and that changes need to be made to make things fair, especially in the case of divorce. Moms nearly always suffer financially while the dads seem to live at nearly the same standard as always. This is a well-written book, with lots of research, lots of statistics, lots of anecdotes. I think she's right in most cases, although it's not just moms who struggle to survive in today's workplace. Too many American employers don't allow for anything outside work, not just children, but other family members, hobbies, church, physical needs, whatever. It's not an easy read, but an important one.

Baby Boon: How Family-Friendly America Cheats the Childless by Elinor Burkett, The Free Press, 2000. Okay, so Crittenden says moms don't get any respect or money or breaks at work. But a year before she published her book, Elinor Burkett published her tome, which insists the opposite is true. The mommies get all the good stuff--tax breaks, time off, tuition help, and the adoration of all civilization--while the childless among us are treated like dirt. They don't get the extra benefits, and they do get to take over the work left undone while the moms are off chauffeuring their kids to soccer practice. Although somewhat bitter and one-sided, this is a well-researched and well-written book. I can't quite buy Burkett's view that childless women have become an oppressed minority akin to blacks, gays and the handicapped, but she makes some good points, notably that in most people's minds, woman equals mother. Certainly that is often true. However, ladies, let's try to find a middle ground. Moms are not mindless resource-sucking breeders, and non-moms are not selfish, spoiled and unnatural. Worth reading and particularly interesting read back to back with Crittenden's book.

Bearing Life: Women's Writing on Childlessness edited by Rochelle Ratner, The Feminist Press at The City University of New York, 2000. This anthology is a mixed bag of prose and poetry. Some pieces touch directly on childlessness, such as Mary Mackey's "This is a Question I Do Not Answer" and "Jodi Sh. Doff's "Tie Me Up, Tie Me Off." Other writers speak of the loss of children they had or hoped to have. Diane DiPrima's brief poem "I Get My Period, September 1964" is a powerful statement. In "In the Garden," Grace Paley writes of a mother whose children have been kidnapped. Others take varying slants on the subject, including Margaret Atwood's eerie "Hairball," about the ovarian tumor she had removed and kept as if it were a child, Nikki Dillon's light-hearted "Chick Without Children: The Latest Celebrity Interview," and Bell Hook's and May Sarton's journal musings on the incompatibility of motherhood with art.

Families of Two by Laura Carroll, Xlibris, 2000. Carroll has published a collection of interviews with couples who have chosen not to have children and are happy with that choice. As she says in her introduction, these couples value their freedom and independence and believe that the responsibilities of parenting would severely limit their lives. Put simply, children didn't fit into their lifestyle. This book is important because it exemplifies an increasingly popular point of view, one that is driving the birth rate downward. However, the 15 couples all look and sound alike. If Carroll could have found more diverse people to interview, she might have made her point more effectively.

The Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes Our Lives and Why We Never Talk about It by Susan Maushart, Penguin, 2000. Motherhood is really hard. That's the message Maushart offers, unveiling a conspiracy of silence that keeps the truth about motherhood under wraps. She pulls the covers off morning sickness, depression, loss of identity, exhaustion and frustration. Read it along with I'm Okay, You're a Brat to get a full dose of this side of the story.

I'm Okay, You're a Brat! Setting the Priorities Straight and Freeing You from the Guilt and Mad Myths of Parenthood by Susan Jeffers, Renaissance Books, 1999. All the verbiage about motherhood being fulfilling, miraculous and an experience one should not miss is a crock, according to Jeffers. Giving birth is life-changing but not necessarily in a good way. Jeffers' book debunks the happy myths of mothering and tells what it's really like. She challenges readers with a 10-point test to determine whether they're really ready for parenthood. Women who read it are likely to run screaming to their gynecologists for contraceptives. In the end, her message is two-fold: If you're a parent and hate it or if you have chosen not to have children, it's all right. And, it is okay to love your children, but hate taking of them. Jeffers' philosophy is that whatever happens is what is supposed to happen, but it isn't fair to keep the dark side of parenting a secret from those who are thinking about having children.

China Doll by Barbara Jean Hicks, Thornedike Large Print Christian Fiction Series, originally published in 1998 by Multnomah Publishers, Inc. This is a novel about a couple in which the infertile photographer, Georgine, often called George (wasn't that one of Nancy's Drew's gal pals' names?) desperately wants a baby. Just when she decides to adopt an infant from China, she falls in love with Bronson, a foreign correspondent who does not want children. Now she has to choose: a child or the perfect man? That's the plot. One look at the 1960s-style cover, and you'll know how this one turns out. This is a pleasant read, but it's corny and clichéd. It's just not quite believable all-round, but it's easy reading. A chunk of the action happens right here on the central Oregon Coast, mostly in Depoe Bay. However, warning to authors using real cities: Hicks has Bronson hanging out at the Depoe Bay library. Depoe Bay does not have a library. Also when she finally gets down to where the so-called Depoe Bay house is located, I think she's actually describing the tiny community of Otter Rock. But she gets the aquarium, the Factory Stores, and the Tidal Raves restaurant right. Should you read it? If you feel like adding a little Koolaid to your diet, why not?

The Parenthood Decision by Beverly Engel, Main Street Books, 1998. This covers the same territory as Dell's book, but more thoroughly, really digging into questions about why women want to have children, the sacrifices required of mothers, and whether the timing is right. She offers a self-help guide to deciding whether or not to procreate.

Pride and Joy: The Lives and Passions of Women Without Children by Terri Casey, Beyond Words Publishing, 1998. This is a nice anthology. Politicians, teachers, artists, executives and others show how one can have a full life and contribute a great deal to society without having children. It especially appeals to women who are certain they never want children and are looking for support in their decision.

Wanting a Child, edited by Jill Bialosky and Helene Schulman, Farrar, Strauss and Giroux, 1998. This is a wonderful anthology of writers describing their experiences with childlessness, adoption, infertility, stepparenting, etc. There are beautiful, poignant stories here, including enlightening chapters on grief, stepparenting and adoption. Anyone interested in the topic of childlessness will want to read this book.

Without Child: Challenging the Stigma of Childlessness by Laurie Lisle, Ballantine Books, 1996. Lisle looks at how "barren" women have been viewed throughout history. Her focus is on women who are "willingly childfree" as opposed to "inadvertently childless." Lisle has done her homework and covered the most important issues, but it relies mostly on hearsay and secondary sources.

Why Don't You Have Kids? Living a Full Life Without Parenthood by Leslie Lafayette, Kensington Publishing Corp., 1995. Lafayette is the founder of the ChildFree Network. Her one-sided book pushes the group's message, which is that it's okay to choose not to have children. In fact, for most of the people she quotes, being "childfree" is wonderful, the best decision they ever made. In addition to interviewing lots of happily childfree women, she talks in considerable detail to men who don't want children.

Younger Women Older Men by Beliza Ann Furman, Barricade Books, 1995. Being in a May-December marriage myself, I expected to find this book fascinating, but most of it centered on very young women married to very rich men and their lives in high society. Trophy wives. Even for a 13-year-old book, so much of it rings excessively sexist and dated. We need to cater to his desires so he will support us and dole out his money to us? Come on. I did find the chapter regarding younger wives who give up having babies because their older husbands don’t want them to be very accurate. I could also identify with the financial issues and end-of-life concerns. And yes, some of the bit about stepchildren seemed a bit familiar. However, the writing is bad, filled with clichés and frequent grammar gaffes. Furman, who started a support group called W.O.O.M., Wives of Older Men, and often calls her members Woomies, has done her research, but I would hope for a better book on such an important topic.

Barren in the Promised Land: Childless Americans and the Pursuit of Happiness by Elaine Tyler May, Harvard University Press, 1995. May has written a very interesting overview of childlessness in America throughout history. She writes in an academic style that makes for slower reading, but it's worth the effort. Her chapters on how childlessness was viewed before the 20th Century, the rise of eugenics--selective sterilization of people considered inferior--and the craze to procreate during the baby boom are fascinating. May brings us up to date with the "childfree" movement, new reproductive technology for the infertile, and the tendency to delay parenting until later in life.

Unwomanly Conduct: The Challenges of Intentional Childlessness by Carolyn M. Morell, Routledge, 1994. This book, based on interviews with women over age 40, emphasizes the reasons for deciding to remain childless. One reader calls it "an affirmation for the child-free woman." That pretty much says it. This age group, now all over 50, decided to be childless at a time when they faced considerably more prejudice than young women making that decision today.

Dear Barbara, Dear Lynne: The True Story of Two Women in Search of Motherhood by Barbara Shulgold and Lynne Sipiora, Addision-Wesley, 1992. For a while, this was THE book to read on childlessness, but now it's dated and out of print. The book contains three-years of letters between two infertile women. It is an engaging, heartfelt story with a happy ending. The letters talk about fertility treatments, failed adoption attempts, and other efforts to become mothers. Like many of the books on childlessness from a decade or two ago, the emphasis is on the tragedy of being unable to conceive and the need to be a mother no matter what it takes.

Childless by Choice: A Feminist Anthology edited by Irene Reti, HerBooks, 1992. Many childless women, including me, consider themselves feminists, but the emphasis here is on choosing not to mother and defending that choice. Stories and poems address female stereotypes, abortion, the danger of overpopulation, grief over losing a child, and the need for freedom to follow one's muse. Childless by Choice's offerings are often beautiful, poignant and heartbreaking, but its overall mission is to conquer the stereotype of the cold, selfish childless woman. It is well-written and interesting.

Never to Be a Mother: A Guide for All Women Who Didn't--or Couldn't Have Children by Linda Hunt Anton, HarperCollins, 1992. This is basically a psychological self-help book. It offers 10 steps for dealing with childlessness. The focus is on grieving and gradually accepting the loss of the children one will never have. It may be hard to find, but will be helpful to women dealing with the loss of the children they'll never have.

Childless But Not Barren by Kristen Johnson Ingram, Magnificat Press, 1987. It's exceedingly preachy, more than a little corny, and the fictionalized Bible stories are filled with errors, such as expecting Mary's cousin Anna and her husband to write notes to each other. Anna would have been illiterate. Nor would she had thought, gee, my husband is a half hour late getting home. However, this Christian book for childless women touched me more than once, even inspired me in places. Ingram offers stories of nine childless women from the Bible and nine women from real life and shows how their faith in God led them to live fulfilled and valuable lives. The first three women of both eras conceived late in life, their trust in God satisfied. The next three raised other women's children, and the last three worked for the glory in other ways, one as the "mother of Israel," another as a prophet, another as a spiritual guide. Ingram's moral: trust in God, put him above all things and don't waste your life moping about not having children. Use the life you are given and the mothering skills you have to care for others and spread God's light in whatever way you can.

Childless is Not Less by Vicky Love, Bethany House Publishers, 1984. Love writes from a fundamentalist Christian viewpoint. Her own personal story is interesting, but she sidetracks so frequently into the Bible that is difficult to read. In Love's view, childlessness is a tragedy to be overcome, never a conscious choice. She does not give any space to my premise that some women who would have and could have been mothers give up their chance for children to be with men who are unable or unwilling.

Second Wife, Second Best by Glynnis Walker, Doubleday and Co., 1984. This book, purchased in hope of new insights on the question of childless second wives, offers very little on that subject. Most of the book is filled with bitterness, sexism, and legal "facts" that are so out of date they're useless. Walker operates on the premise that the second wife is universally treated as a second-class citizen, never as good as the first wife. She is burdened with the children and financial garbage of the husband's first marriage, has no legal rights, and gets no respect. The laws and the culture have changed tremendously since she published this book, but I became a second wife in 1985, and very little in this book is true for me. Unless you're an unhappy second wife looking for someone to share Walker's bad vibes, forget this book.

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Here are a couple web links to get you started:

Infertility Network UK--support for those who cannot bear children. They hold a national conference in July (in England) for everyone interested in infertility. For info, click http://www.infertilitynetworkuk.com.

More to Life, www.moretolife.co.uk, a UK charity providing support, advice and information to people who are involuntarily childless.